Thrifty little bugger!!

Well...it was my BIRTHDAY recently...and i have to say I had the best birthday for quite a number of years. Let's just ignore the extra year it puts on my age (not helpful for dating...but hugely helpful in a "know more about the world way".... mustn't grumble...)

What really made it for me, apart from spending an amazing weekend away with my children, was just quite how thrifty/ ingenious/ resourceful my eldest son has become.

Behold...my Birthday card

drumroll.....

Superb work. Now, THAT is how men multi-task...clearly it becomes evident at a young age....

Christmas is coming...media companies are getting fat...

Have just seen the John Lewis Christmas advert for this year.

Must say I have been left decidedly non-plussed about the whole thing.

Like someone at work said " it's only moving a Snowman around and plonking it in different locations."

The TRULY REMARKABLE thing about this advert is that it cost £6 MILLION to make.

Hang on a moment...

Lets absorb that.

SIX MILLION POUNDS!!

WHAAAAAAAT?????


Putting it in perspective:


The film Trainspotting only cost £1,550,000 to make.

Slumdog Millionaire had a budget of $15 million

Rocky was shot on a budget of $1 million

Juno had a budget of $6.5 million.

John Lewis had a budget of £6 MILLION for a one minute 20 second promo. That's £70,000 per second.


I can only imagine the conversations had at the media company:

Creative Media Type 1: "Right. Let's brain storm this. Its Christmas. What do we associate with Christmas?"
Creative Media Type 2: "erm....snow???"
Creative Media Type 1: "THAT'S IT!! SNOW!!! Amazing. How do we sell Snow?"
Creative Media Type 2: "hmmm. that is tricky..especially as it takes about 3hrs to get ready to go out in it, and then you do but it's pretty cold and wet. And your gloves get soaked through.....and your feet get wet...and cold. Unless you have super awesome boots...and, like, pretty much after 10 minutes you really want to go back inside..where it's warm and stuff....but there was that film a while back with that kid in stripey pyjamas. What was that called? That had snow in it...and was kinda popular?"
Creative Media Type 1: "Hang on...it's on the tip of my tongue...it was called the...the...the SNOWMAN!!"
Creative Media Type 2: "AWESOME...where do we get one of them then?"
Creative Media Type 1: "Someplace where there is snow?"


CREATIVE MEDIA COMPANY SNOWMAN RISK ANALYSIS (cost £1 million)

SNOWMAN RISKS:

Made of snow. Liable to melt when faced with heat. Eyes of coal and carrot nose liable to fall out if moved. What kind of insurance do we need?? Transportation costs? Possible sexism issues if referred to as a SnowMAN? Look into gender neutral snow "people."

CREATIVE MEDIA COMPANY LOCATION SCOUTS MINUTES OF MEETING:

1. Highlight and visit potential ares with Snow.
2. Scotand or anywhere either within a drive or 4-6 hr flight are not suitable candidates. This rules out: Norway, Finland, Sweden, Iceland, Russia. Travel must ideally be over 12 hrs.
3. The Himalayas are an ideal location. We will need to hire a team of sherpas and all the gear so we can accurately assess the suitability for the area.
4. Suzanne from research and planning has put forward the exciting prospect of filming in New Zealand. In particular in Auckland, where they had their first snow fall for 72 years last year. Potentially we can ride off the back of that enthusiasm and excitement and really get the locals involved.
5. All those in favour say "SNOOOOOOOW"


What the real life media company actually did was send a team..to New Zealand to scout a traditional Scottish stone cottage for use in the advert. They managed to find one built by a Scot who emigrated to Queenstown 90 years ago. WEll DONE them!! Just think! They could have gone to SCOTLAND and everything....

Just like they sourced Welsh sheep in New Zealand. Rather than going to Wales.

Lastly, the other TOTALLY LUDICROUS thing they did was film a motorway scene, with the motorway featuring "M1 South" signs. Rather than ACTUALLY filming this using the REAL M1 South signs, the clever people decided to film in Auckland but with British signs stuck to things.


GO FIGURE??

Oh yes. They did.

NotQuiteSuperwife either...

Its been a very very long time. Have to admit, I've been scared to blog. Which is a real shame as this is my outlet. It's how I express myself, how I show the things in life that are sometimes hard and how I then start to see them from an outsiders point of view...for all the tough times I always know other people have it harder and I can then show humour in my blog for all the things I struggle with and see the lighter side.


I got divorced.


Hence the "break"


Cant really think of a way to cushion it for you except you probably knew when you were reading my blog that it wasn't all "recipes for success" and "knitting onesies for your loved ones"


I'm sorry. I'm shite at knitting. I can follow a recipe but it rarely leads to success.


I am, HOWEVER, pretty darn good at telling the truth.


Not quite sure where blogging boundaries lie legally, but blogging about my divorce just didn't sit right with me. I'm still not overly sure I can yet see the funny side. Or if there is one.


(Of course there IS ONE!!) Not involving the ACTUAL divorce itself...as that's SUPER UNFUNNY...but, seriously, I will be illuminating you in the future about what divorce solicitors letters SAY and my interpretation of either: 1) what they ACTUALLY mean and 2) How it SHOULD be written and what they mean. That provides no end of enjoyment to myself and my really quite amazing fantastic friends.


I was self repping. So bring on your stories...there is a very unjust system out there.


I would like to say a huge thanks to my friends. Both my "real life" friends who have put up with me. Either howling, whining, embittered, vengeful, pitiful, sorrowful, complete nasty horrible taking it out on them "i hate the world and you" type person I have been...and then for them to stick with me and know and have faith in me that I WILL come out the other side. That takes some stamina as a friend.


And to the people whose blogs I have read for inspiration or grounding, or just the fact I looked at my blog and NOT ONE of you left.


Thank you.


Really. Really.


Thank you.


Self esteem takes time to build back up.


You have all helped.


I feel nearly, kind of, pretty much, maybe, just ready to shed some light on my new Notquitesupermom...butsingle...life.


I'm honored by your patience xx

Bored Games

Every parent knows the importance of sitting down with your children and spending quality family time playing board games. Sometimes difficult because, lets face it, board games for children can be pretty BORING. And they mainly end in tears. In my case normally mine as my frustration level reaches maximum. Or i get beaten.

Its also quite difficult to find the time to sit down and play when there is sooo much to be doing.

Which is why I have cunningly devised a scheme whereby everyone is happy.

Its called "Real Life Supermarket Jenga"




Ideal for keeping the kids happy while out shopping.

Am sure it will take off.

Incidentally..during the same shopping trip I also happened to notice that the staff are clearly bored as well...



Brilliant!

Old Macdonald had a farm....

Ah.

Joy.

The school holidays are finally upon us.

Cue lovely days out and happy contented children running around giggling. Or in my case..constant fights, messy house and children telling me they are boooooored.

In order to head off the boredom complaint i decided to plan an itinerary of "things to do, people to see, places to go." So hopefully when creating their path of devastation and chaos, my children do this at OTHER places..and not in my house. See. Thinking ahead.

So i gathered up a handful of leaflets for local attractions so we can have some fun days out..hopefully in Supermom style combining fun with education. I was quite excited to pick up a leaflet for Old Macdonalds farm park and started leafing through it to see exactly what was on offer for us on a grand day out. However...when i turned to the centre page of the leaflet I got a bit of a shock. I did wonder whether it is only me who notices this type of stuff. But SLAP BANG in the centre of the leaflet...pretty much a centrefold picture was this:





HOW did they not notice?

I have rechristened the farm "Pig Porn Park." And I wont be visiting. I dont think I could look the piggies in the eye having seen this. Its just a tad awkward.

I love flatpacks...

i went to Ikea.

Lucky lucky me.

After the mandatory meatballs and counting of pregnant nesting women ordering their husbands about and measuring things i took myself down to the warehouse bit and purchased a few lovely flatpacks to spend the rest of this year assembling.

Having opened a carton and withdrawn the instructions from the little plastic bag containing twenty thousand small screws of which i will always have at least 10 left over and panic about the safety of the structure i have just built...i sat down to read said picture instructions.

I was immediately struck by just how ACCURATE they are....






THAT is EXACTLY what i looked like...except with more hair and a dress on.

Uncanny.

you learn something new everyday...

My lovely adorable eldest son just had a school trip to learn more about life in Britain during the war. On his return he was asked to write a newspaper article. All very educational.

So educational in fact that even my jaw dropped in shock at what i learnt whilest reading the article in a room full of parents waiting to see the teacher. Then i had to do that tricky task of trying not to laugh uncontrollably at an inappropriate time. Here is the best bit...and the most educational...





A few thoughts ran through my brain.

1. No wonder the children "where amased what the money was like". i think i would have been too...
2. How did Miss Prince his teacher find out it takes 12 penis' to make a shilling. Maybe she needs a pay rise
3. Well done to my son for being able to spot fakes. He will be very useful to me when trying to purchase designer handbags on Ebay.
4. we need to work on his spelling as i cant have him going through life thinking thats correct..although it is tempting..


A+ for effort i think

election time

You may NOT have heard about it but we here in the UK had an election recently..I know..probably passed you by bit like it did me..
However, I did decide to vote and took the children for a "family outing" to the polling station.
They were dead excited and got dressed in their very smartest clothes. Felt a bit bad building it up to them...when all you actually do is put a cross on a piece of paper and pop it in a box.
So...
on the way I decided to play a game.
Notquitesupermom: "I know kids...when we get to the polling station lets tell everyone we are voting for someone really funny..like the honey monster or Tony the Tiger...you know..lets just say someone really funny who hasent got a hope in hell of winning."
Ryan: "we could say we were voting for Gordon Brown. That would be funny"
Notquitesupermom: *first time in her life....speechless*

When did my 8 yr old become so politically savvy???
I feel old.

Gerry The Gerbil and The Curry Tsunami

The evening of the Curry Tsunami started off innocently enough.

Gerry had obviously had a normal kind of Gerbil day...get up, drink a bit out his space bottle, have a spin on his wheel, little bit of food..maybe quick spin in space buggy...little sleepy wrapped in cotton wool....some more food...you know...the usual gerbil routine..

Although clearly Gerry had other ideas that evening..

He was sooo up for an adventure it wasn't even funny...

Hahaha...actually...I lie...it was sort of funny in an "all wells that ends well" way..

Anyway..

It was a Saturday night and I had cooked a lovely curry, left the pan in the sink filled with water to soak and went through to the lounge to watch a dvd and drink wine with Mr G.

You know. Normal stuff.

Bottle of wine later I decide to pop back into the kitchen to replenish supplies.

Am pottering round the kitchen when out the corner of my eye I spot something unusual lying by the sink..

It took a moment for my brain to catch up with my eyes.

It was Gerry the gerbil. Soaking wet. Gasping for breath.

I ran over to the sink...kind of like a slow mo Baywatch run. Clearly I didnt have a red swim suit on as was in pyjamas.

NotQuiteSupermom: *slow mo* "Nooooooooo...Geeeerrrryyyyy..."
Gerry: *gasp*

As I was doing my 2 metre slow mo Baywatch run across the kitchen I tried to establish the facts. Gerry had clearly escaped. He also obviously:
A. likes swimming in curry water
B. Likes curry
C. Needs glasses as he couldnt see where he was going and accidentally plopped off the kitchen side into the pan in the sink
or D. He is an adrenaline junkie and the space buggy just isnt enough excitement for him anymore.

I wrap his teeny weeny curry smelling body in a tea towel and start stroking him. He smelt really spicy.

Just then he took one long drawn out breath....and then..nothing....

NotquiteSupermom: *wailing* "Nooooo...Gerry...dont die, dont die, come on Gerry..fight"
NotquiteSupermom *in her head to herself* "Oh bugger..I dont want to do CPR on a gerbil. I wouldnt even know how and there is no time to Google it.."

I run through to the lounge, clutching his lifeless body in the tea towel.

Notquitesupermom: *crying hysterically* "Mr G, Mr G, its Gerry. Hes dead."
Mr G: *slowly peeling his eyes away fom the film..as he is used to dealing with a hysterical wife* "Sorry..what? Whats happenned?"
Notquitesupermom *gasping for breath as she had run oooohh all of 4 metres* "Gerry.... Curry.... Pan.... Sink.... Water... Dead."
Mr G: "Have you tried CPR?"
NotquiteSupermom: "Erm..... No.... You do it."
NotquiteSupermom: *sobbing relentlessly and starting a eulogy* "He was the nicest Gerbil anyone could ever have..look at his beautiful little nose..and his tiny curry smelling body..*stroking him*...remember the time he drove into the skirting board in his space buggy and nearly knocked himself out?..Oh..Gerry..always living on the edge...I suppose it was only a matter of time before his passion for excitement got the better of him..he was such a happy little gerbil..I only hope he didnt suffer too much and died doing what he loved best......."

Just then a miracle occured.

Gerry suddenly sprang back to life.

UNFORTUNATELY for Gerry..I wasn't quite expecting this turn of events.

I screamed and threw him up into the air.

He landed with a soggy "splat" on the carpet.

Mr G: "Well..if he wasn't dead before..I'd say he probably is now."
NotquiteSupermom: "OMG. I've killed Gerry. Im a murderer. It was an accident..I didnt mean to do it. What shall we tell the children?"

Luckily for me, just as I was contemplating:
A. a life spent behind bars
B. how to dispose of the body and cover my tracks
C. How on earth to explain to the children that Gerry was dead and it was ALL MY FAULT...
... another act of divine intervention occurred.

Gerry clamboured up onto his feet..gave me a really really dirty look (potentially he didnt rate my curry making skills as highly as I did)...and scurried off under the sofa.

It took a while after that incident for Gerry to find it in his heart to forgive me...but I think he knew I didnt mean it...just that sudden movements from dead gerbils can give you a bit of a shock..

Wascally Wittle Wodents...

Have been thinking ALOT about hamsters recently.

Not in a weird "get yourself locked up" kind of way

But just generally...

Have been watching this programme too many times with kids

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MCrQ1KOos98

(Its not rude so you can watch it with the kids)

Incidentally I do all the voices for the characters..odd talent I have..discovered by accident)

Soooooooo...

Was thinking about our past array of animals...

Obviously..we have The Dogs. If you arent familiar please refer to Canine Capers story....

Then my thoughts turned to Gerry. The Gerbil.

He had a turbulent life...

Poor thing.

Gerry was purchased from 'Pets r Us.' Kind of like 'Toys r Us' except for the fact that they deal in Real Life things and not things that need triple A batteries to get them moving...

We spent a small fortune on the ideal crash pad for Gerry...unfortunately it wasent quite on this scale:-


(some facts for you...this is Jake Hamsters cage. It took a year to build..is over 5ft high...and provides 17.5 feet of running space....)

Yes I know...

Its a bloody hamster.

We did however purchase this item for Gerry:



You know..just incase he needs to make a moon landing or something. Best to be prepared.

Cost of Gerbil: £3.75
Cost of Gerbil Accessories: £94.72p

Hmmm.

We settled Gerry into his new pad and he seemed very happy...and content. He didnt seem to run around as much as I thought gerbils would but just liked to lie relaxing. By the next day I was getting a bit bored as he didnt seem to want to do anything.

I decided to take him to the vet. First in series of expensive trips. The vet diagnosed a broken leg (he did mini xray and everything). Gerry needed 3 nights at the vets. I decided to call Pets r us to complain.
Notquitesupermom: "hello..you sold me a gerbil yesterday that has a broken leg"
Helpful shop person: "Do you still have your receipt"
Notquitesupermom: "yes..why?"
Helpful shop person: "oooo..bring in the gerbil with the receipt and we will exchange your gerbil for one without a broken leg."
Notquitesupermom: (suspiciously) "But what will you do with Gerry the Gerbil?"
Helpful shop person: "Oh dont worry about that."
Notquitesupermom: "Well I am worried. He's like family now....I know he only cost £3.75 and £94.72 in accessories but I am slightly concerned about his welfare if I bring him back...my mind is thinking you might get out a shovel..."
Helpful shop person: (sighing) "well the other alternative is for you to pass the vets bills onto us."
Notquitesupermom: "very happy to do that..he has been receiving round the clock treatment at a very exclusive practice....will definately send you the bill."

Gerry led a very happy and productive life from that point on...until the day of Gerry the Gerbils curry Tsunami.

That day he cheated death.

Twice.